The Official Laws that Govern Sport-hood (OLGS)

During my world travels, it has come to my attention, that our world, does not have a good workable set of guidelines that determine what is a sport and what is not. It is my hope that each of you will be able to better understand the sports world in a more rich and easily graspable way after having read this. These rules are a result of extensive deliberation and collaboration with Douglas Rueff (Parkville, MO), Donald Douds (Beaver, PA), and Matthew C. Binko (Miami, FL). It is important to note that the bulk of the math and flow charting was done by Doug Rueff. He broke this thing down Barney style. Mad props to him.

There are 4 determining factors for determining weather or not a given activity can be considered a sport. They are exact. They are final. They are known as "The Official Laws that Govern Sport-hood" or "The OLGS" (Pronounced OLGS).

To be a sport, an activity must:
1: Have an objective standard to determine the outcome - EG: A basketball must go through a hoop to get points. In an activity such as Gymnastics, contestants are scored on style and performance. Since the scoring is subjected to the judges opinion, it is ruled, NOT a sport. (Cheer leading, Ice Dancing, and Marching Bands all fall into this demographic)

2: Prove athletic prowess over another human being - EG: Your athletic skill must be greater than that off your opponent to win. We determine whether or not this is happening by this criteria - If an increase in physical fitness most always results in an increase in your ability to win the event. So, if Joe Loses 30 pounds, will he have a greater capacity to be good at the event? This law rules out events like Darts, Bowling, Bass fishing, Hunting, Curling, and Horseshoes. These events all take skill, but one could increase physical fitness without experiencing an increase in their ability to be good at these events. Therefore, they are NOT sports. (Golf may fit in this category, but it is a pretty close call.)

3: Have a widely accepted set of rules - EG: These rules must be adhered to to determine sport hood. Now, this law does not imply that the laws must be followed to the letter, but rather the spirit of the law must be followed. For example, the basic rule of Soccer is that the ball must go across the line and into the goal. to score a point. The size of the field, offsides, and proper throw-ins are important, but not at the heart of the sport. Therefore, playing HORSE with a basketball and hoop can not be a sport since it doesn't follow the spirit of the game. The spirit being, ball through the hoop means points. It changes the para-dime and is no longer a sport. This rule destroys Paintball and other ad hoc events. These are NOT sports.

4: Not require the use of electricity - EG: Any event that requires the use of electricity to perform the event, is not a sport. Now, a sport may USE electricity, but must not require it. For example, Fencing is aided by the use of electronic sensors and basketball often uses light up score boards, but each of these are able to function without them. NASCAR requires the use of electricity to start the cars and is therefore NOT a sport. This law also rules out competitive DDR and Guitar Hero (As do several other rules).

I will now provide a list of Sports and NON sports. This list is in NO WAY all conclusive. You must apply the OLGS to determine Sport-hood.

Sports:
Basketball
Baseball
Football
Soccer
Hockey
Water Polo
The 100 Meter Dash
Capture the Flag (Shocking but true)

NOT Sports:
Cheer Leading
Ice Dancing
Bowling
NASCAR
Darts
Curling (Although it is AWESOME!)
Competitive DDR
Marching Bands
Bass Fishing
Hunting

5 Laws of Sleep Deprivation and Awesomeness

It has come to my attention that there are people wandering around out there that are unable to cope with a lack of sleep. For those insomniacs and narcoleps out there, these Laws do not apply to you. You have your own set of rules.

5 Laws of Sleep Deprivation and Awesomeness

1: Law of Compact Awesomeness - Less is more in this Law. Those of us that are of a compact stature (EG: Short and stocky) are able to compress more awesome into a smaller frame. If you are tall, lanky, thin, or huge, you may be out of luck. You must be able to compress a lot of awesomeness into a small space to achieve maximum Sleep Deprivation (Also known as "Epic Night Syndrome)

2: Prioritization Law of 1986 - This Law states simply, "Your love of Awesomeness must be greater than your love for unconsciousness." By adhering to this law, you will place events of the epic nature higher than sleep on your list of what is important to you.

3:  The Coffee Non marginalization Standard -  If you do not love coffee, you are, by default, not awesome. Coffee is Ethiopia's gift to the world. Coffee is how we know God loves us. Coffee can cure cancer (I'm not 100% on this last one.) You must be awesome to live a sleep deprived life and Coffee is therefore a must. Oh, and medically speaking, it has a crap ton of Caffeine and that seems to help as well.

4: The 12AM Paradox - My mother once told me that nothing good happens after 12am. But to be fair, of all the funnest things I do, very few of them could be catorgorized as "Good Ideas". Ergo, since staying up late yields a more positive environment for fun ideas, the margin for awesomeness goes up drastically. Since most of the world works during the day, we must also be up before 12am. Therefore, leaving little time for sleep.

5: The Erickson Effect -This law states that people related to, friends with, fans of, or members of the Erickson Family have a 97% success rate when trying to achieve maximum Sleep Deprivation and Awesomeness. Now, this Law does not exclude people outside this group, but it does lend creedance to the fact that your chances for success skyrocket if you are a member of the "People related to, Friends with, fans of, or members of the Erickson Family" group.

11 Observations, Tidbits, and Truisms About Life

I finally made it back to Djibouti. Yes. I live in Djibouti, ha ha (Stated drolly and sarcastically). When I arrived once more, I suddenly realized a very poignant truth. Djibouti is hot. The end.

Ok, for realz, I have had several things happen in the last month that are worth pointing out. Mostly observations on life, but a few tidbits, and one Truism.

1: Raw meat, no matter how culturally founded, is still horrible.
2: 350LB Pigs, do not like being cooked for dinner.
3: (Observation) Reese's is the greatest brand of candy in the world. They make nothing that is not good.
4: (Truism) Coffee is delicious.
5: If you play soccer for 2 hours on a very solid surface, your feet have the consistency of ground up beef.
6: Feet that have the consistency of ground beef are painful.
7: (Observation) Being away from the woman you love for a year is not fun.
8: This table is making the creation of this list much easier by providing me a stable platform.
9: After listening to African/Arabic music for the last year, I can honestly tell you, the best music in the world is created in the USA.
10: ?
11: Making $ is easy. Press shift+4




I have lots more to say, but I'll wait till I publish another list.


I told the following people that I was "Totally putting that in my blog!"


MSG Steven Jackson - Enjoys photographing people jumping through fire.
SGT Julie Vosilus - Can Dance with Ethiopian woman without even knowing the moves.
COL Nameunknown Hayes -  Gave me the 5 rules of an Effective Deployment
SPC David Lane -  I can't really publish his misdeeds at this time.
Mr. Gregory "Danger" Gorham - Still believes that it is ok to be a Cubs fan. Sad.

10 Things Everyone Should Know

Hello My Beautiful Blogging Aficionados!

We are going to be spending some more time together I think. Why, just yesterday I was chatting with a man who was 14 pay grades higher than I and informed him he was going in my blog. Aaaaaand, done.

10 Things You Should Know

1: If it doesn't have a mother, don't lose sleep over it. (Don't sweat the small stuff)

2: Being able to live the sleep deprived life has 5 rules. They are called the "5 Rules of Sleep Deprivation"

3: If you spill straight club soda on you, try putting red wine on it to get it out.

4: Cats that make noise should be dead. The quite ones are cool.

5: If stretching was as sexy as surfing, we would all be as flexible as silly puddy.

6: I'm totally ready to be out of Africa.

7: I watched a dude stab a pig today. It was gross, sad, and weird. Also, a little yummy.

8: I just heard a grown man say that he was peeing blood. He was pummeled by several angry Marines. Note to self, don't let angry Marines catch you.

9: Good leaders don't so much tell you what to do, as much as make you want to do it.

10. I'm done.

10 Things I Am Thankful For That You May Not Be

Today our ship was caught up in a massive Maelstrom! Totally kidding. It was the Kraken! But for realze, both "Maelstrom" and "Kraken" are awesome words and make for great cinema material.

Todays Log will cover: 10 Things I am Thankful for that You May Not Be

1: Rusty Water - Yes, my water is rusty and brown, but it does not smell bad. I'm very grateful for that. I'm also grateful to HAVE water.

2: Tons of Dead Cockroaches - Yes, Cockroaches are creepy, but dead ones are far less creepy than the "Alive" version and we have more dead than alive here.

3: Ketchup - Most people take this condiment for granted but Ethiopia has taught me that it makes even the blandest of rice and goat taste like home.

4: My Mosquito Net - My mosquito net rocks. It is the zip up kind that keeps out EVERYTHING. The first night I tried sleeping outside of the net and I got bit by something that gave me blood blisters. I now sleep in it every night.

5: Rain - I left Djibouti and moved to Ethiopia and in the last moth I have seen more rain than I did in the 8 months in Djibouti. Weird thing is, this is the Ethiopian "Dry" season!

6: Skype - Every day I get to see my Fiancée is a good day!

7: Ayaaah Water - As you can imagine, rusty water is not so healthy. The local water factory sells me clean water for cheap. Score one for not getting water borne parasites!

8: Mefloquine - My anti Malarial pills keep me Malaria free and give me AWESOME dreams. Ask me about the Tornado that landed me in the butterfly reserve!

9: Power - The power has gone out about 9 times in the last 2 days and I am oh so grateful for our backup generator!

10: The Internet - It allows me to contact home, feel connected, attend Church (Elevation Church, you rock!) online, and even see my family and fiancée! It is slow and unreliable, but I love it.


I am so grateful to be where I am, who I am, and also very grateful to be returning home to America! Happy Thanksgiving all.

Life isn't fair

Living in Ethiopia has taught me many life lessons. For example, you don't need to go tanning, if your water is so rusty that when you get out your skin is the color of Californian perfection. Showering in brown water can have it's upside!

I have been getting up each morning to get some exercise and after that, I come back to my room and do some stretching while listening to great tunes. Yesterday found me listening to my "Final Countdown" playlist which, as the name suggests, does include "Final Countdown" by Europe. The song "Be My Escape" by Reliant K came on and I heard them scream out the phrase, "The beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair."

This line caused me to ponder my experiences in many Christian settings. I began to realize that often, as a Christian I am much more hesitant to dole out grace when I see someone making mistakes or poor choices that God was when he forgave me of my sin.  Why is that? I think it may have something to do with the fact that grace makes life not fair. 

Ever since I accepted that Christ paid the price for my sin and that it was his mercy that saves me and not my own goodness, I have tried to do good things. Not because it I had to, but because I wanted to. So here I am, living as good as I can and trying to avoid temptation and such. Then I see Joe Sinner over there getting drunk and sexing up a pretty girl who he doesn't even know and I think, "Wow, this guy is bad!" 

Now lets be honest here, Joe Sinner, is no more of a bad person than we are, he just is more visible at this moment. Is it possible that we withhold grace because we work so hard to be "Good" people that if they were let off the hook, we would be on a level playing field? How is that fair!? Spoiler alert, it isn't. That is the beauty of Grace! God doesn't give a yellow belly marmots whisker how good or bad we are. He loves us. He wants to give us grace, mercy, and a second chance. But as people that are trying to "Live Right" we seem to have a really hard time doing the same.

Wouldn't it be grand if the Church (Again, all those that claim the name of Christ fit in this category) stopped viewing people according to their sin debt and started viewing them as an opportunity to give grace? We should thrive on giving grace. That should be our home run swing people! How have we missed that!? How did I miss that!? When someone walks into the company of a Christian, that should be the most forgiving and welcoming environment they can experience. 

Grace is disarming. It shocked the woman at the well, it shocked Zacchaeus, it shocked the Adulterous Woman in John 8, and it also shocked me.  Grace is not fair. That is why it is so offensive to those who believe they deserve something. People that have a sense of entitlement in the Church HATE grace! Why? It makes life not fair. They feel like they have earned it. They are wrong. The only way God gives grace is to those who don't deserve it. Thats all of us. 

Here is my proposition. Get your Grace Muscles back in shape by giving some out to the next person who does you dirty. You may be shocked to find that it much easier with practice.

Speak Somalian: Part 2 of 2

My father always told me, "People don't care how much you know, until they know how much you care." Well said dad. What leads us as Christians believe we can show the world Christ without even trying to understand what language they speak?

I can hear the retorts already. "We should lift up the cross and it will draw them in!" "Don't sink to the world’s level, pull them up to ours!" "We must be in the world but not of the world". To all these, I would say, "Yeah. That’s all true." However, how much time did Jesus spend in a Church building? Paul? Peter? From what I recall, Jesus spent a lot of time with whores, thieves, drunks, demon possessed, and liars. I distinctly remember Him saying, "They that are whole have no need of the physician, but they that are sick: I came not to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance." Now, I don't want to be that guy that constantly reads scripture to you, but doggonit! There is some freakin' awesome stuff in there!

My thought process has gone something like this: If I don't try to reach the world with the culture they are in, how will I reach them? Paul used sports metaphors, and fighting terms to relate to his people. At times, Jesus used parables that were so culturally relevant at the time, I struggle to understand why they were significant at all! This is because He understood the people he wanted to help. He let them know he understood what life looked like for them. 

One could use hyperbole to insinuate that I am saying we should be just like the world. I am not saying that. I am saying that if the world sees us as a group of people that looks down on them, or is so far removed from the culture they embrace that we can't even understand how they communicate with each other, we have failed.

Let’s get back to loving our neighbors, being good to those that despitefully (spell check just informed me that this is no longer a word, so I typed it in word, and word told me that it was a word! Take THAT blog spell check!) use us, and start realizing that we are the church. Each of us. Let’s take the church to the people that need us. Maybe we should be so accessible that Pharisees fear us and the sinners seek us. (as a side not, lets also not forget that we too are sinners and have been redeemed by an AWESOME God)

Speak Somalian: Part 1 of 2

So yesterday found me in a very remote corner of our world. I was driving along a road (if you want to call it that, really more of a Path-of-least-resistance) in Eastern Ethiopia, traveling to a remote village called Mikal (not the real name of the place, but the Army is kinda protective of information you see). I was there to meet some of the leadership of this village and I intended to speak to them about some Medical Missions being done in their area. 

The conversation was short and non script, but after he was gone and the medical people began doing the type of medical stuff they do, I began to mingle with some of the locals.  Two men walked up to me and began speaking a language that to the casual passer-by may have sounded like a man choking on a chicken bone. Having lived in Eastern Africa for the last year, I quickly identified the language as Somalian and began to address them in their native language. 

I promptly stated, "Sabah WaHanaksan! Iskaa Wooran?" (this means something like, "A peaceful morning to you! How are you?") Now, these two men reacted as if they had just seen a host of men dressed like Santa Clause singing Bon Jovi songs with a horde of Leprichans. They quickly responded, "Fian! Iskaa Wooran?" I told them I was well and asked them each what their name was and told them I was glad to meet them. I also told them my name was Josh. I did all of this in what must have been the most pathetic attempt at Somalian they had ever heard.

At this point I had exhausted my entire Somalian vocabulary. I used about 4 sentences and had learned very little about either of them. However, after this short conversation they quickly walked over to a nearby group and I could hear them excitedly telling all the other villagers,"This guy speaks Somalian!" or something to that effect. I watched as a ripple of joy and excitement rippled through the small group of villagers. By the time I left that village, the all realized I could only use the 4 sentences I had already used. None of them seemed to care or tire of hearing me speak those same words. When I left, Mohamed and Ali (the original two men) told me we were friends and they wanted to see me in their village again one day.

Now lets not get this twisted. 4 sentences hardly count as mastering a language. My limited usage of the Somali language was meager at best but it's impact was significant. You see, those men were far less excited about the medical workers being in their village than they seemed to be about me trying to speak their language. They didn't even mind that I didn't know any more than 4 sentences. They were just geeked out of their minds that I had taken the time to TRY to learn. They were stoked that I cared enough about them that I wanted to know how to talk with them.

I think the rest of the world is the same way. I believe that people want to know you care enough about them to TRY to understand them. I also feel that in this regard, the Church (I'm referring again to all those that claim Jesus Christ as their Lord) has been failing miserably. I can see that we have stopped TRYING. 

Captain's Log: Day 2

It would seem the Triple Chocolate Galaxy Bar has foiled my plans to lose 167.8 pounds once again! Blast!

My attempts to cajole a bowel focused parasite into cohorts with me is not coming to fruition as planned. I must step up my plan dramatically. Tomorrow I shall run and not be weary. I shall walk and not get bored. I shall elliptical and not ... stop? The point being I'm going to go heavy on the cardio this next week.

Also, it appears that a trio of small kittens have invaded our house. They must be eradicated!

And for all of you reading this Log at a later date that would cast judgment and scorn upon me for my anti-kitten sentiments, stop it. It’s not nice. Also, these small feline are of the Ethiopian variety which means they are ghastly and a little bit angry. Not a good combination for a creature with very sharp claws and big pointy teeth.

Captains Log: Day 1

So I got up at 0530 to workout. Not saying that to brag...ok. Yes I was.

So I got up at 0530 to workout and when I weighed myself I realized that I had lost 6 pounds since I last weighed 2 days ago...NOT bragging. Well, ...whatever.

Ok, so 6 pounds, 2 days. I have no clue what is up with that. I think I'm either a weight loss guru or about to die of some Ethiopian Bowel Parasite. I really hope it's not the Parasite thing...

So far I have not died. I also have not discovered any super powers or anything, but I'll keep you posted.

Your Not Alone. I'm Horrible Too!

If this were a question and answer time and the question of the day was: Who has a sin issue but is embarrassed about admitting what it is?

I promise, I would be among the first to throw my hand into the sky and wave it back and forth like a politician trying to get the fence sitting voters to land on his side of the fence. I would shake it about as if I were trying to fling my hand from the very arm to which it was attached. I would...well, I think you get the point. I have problems. Some of them are embarrassing. You know why? *shhhhhh* it’s because i'm afraid people might realize i'm a sinner...

WHO CARES!?

What is wrong with me? We are all bad people. We all have our default set to the wrong things, but that isn't the issue. The issue is that we(I) have become so arrogant and proud that we(I) have stopped talking about it. Some where around the 2nd grade I started believing that I should hide things from people. Truthfully I should be sharing my problems with the world!

I'm not espousing the idea that we should go out and air all our dirty laundry to everyone. Not at all. What I'm saying is that we cannot start the process of overcoming our flaws if we are too scared to admit that we have flaws to one another.

Tricia  noted the other day that many times in church, people confess all their "Christian" sins. They don't read their bible enough, or they don't pray as often as they should. They thought a mean thought about that guy Larry at work. They sped on the way to the Sing!Speration. They told their friend the coffee was decaf when it was really triple caf espresso. These are the "Acceptable" sins. Let’s just assume we all do those things. Can we please, as a church (I'm referring to all people that claim the name of Jesus Christ) just admit that we do bad things?

We swear. We lie about one another. We look at porn. We gossip about the pastor’s wife. We masturbate. We cheat on our spouses. We are gluttons. We belittle our leaders. We are proud. We think we are better than our neighbors. We steal. We are greedy. We are human.

"HOW DARE YOU!" You may proclaim with a sense of indignation. I dare, because I know people. King David cheated on his wife. The Apostle Paul was a murderer. Peter was a liar. Solomon was a man whore. What makes us assume we are better than these? I know I am just as awful as all of these men and that means the world to me! If God could use those guys, he can use me just as well!

You see, God doesn't need talented people. He doesn't need perfect people. Heck, he doesn't even need smart people. God needs humble people. People that are willing to admit that they are sinners and that anything good that comes from them must be an act of God in their lives. I don't know if I am that man yet, but I want to be.

A Lesson in Fist Fighting

The title has nothing to do with what I am talking about. I like uniqueness. I enjoy ingenuity and I most of all, enjoy healthy explosions of creativity. You see, I have come to dislike sheep. Living in Ethiopia, I have almost run over about 20 trillion sheep and have come to the conclusion that they are pretty much only good at following other sheep and making wool. One of those things they don't even know they are doing! The other is making wool...

We were built to think, to create, and to be unique! I find it sad that this world is filling up with sheep and we have very few...whatever the opposite of a sheep would be in this metaphor. I think I'mma do something different tomorrow. Maybe I'll cook with rice instead of eggs, I don't know. 

Free Thought: If we all got what we wanted in life, who would be the janitor?